GETTING FAT WITH INSULIN // angry post //

Hello there.

I am having THESE days again when I hate it so much and I could literally do ANYTHING so I wouldn't have it.

Also. My diabetes is not what your dads's or aunt's diabetes is like. So please do not judge me or say what I am doing right or wrong because we all are different.

Today I thought about talking about my diabetes. I haven't talked about it for such a long time because I don't want to accept that I have that stupid disease. (and do not never ever tell me that it is a lifestyle. It is not a ¤¤¤¤ing lifestyle. I did not choose to live with it. )

Anyway. I know it it's wrong that I make myself believe like I don't have it. I don't really have other choice but to wake up in the morning and first to control my sugars and inject myself in the thigh which hurts a lot. Every single morning!
My doctor told me in the beginning that I could still eat normally like I did before. I remember I was around 70kg (150 pounds / 11 stone) just before going to the hospital. Since I started to inject myself with insulin I have gained around 15kg and all that within 2-3 months. It is probably all what I had lost since I had diabetes when I didn't know about yet. It all came back so fast. And I was eating normally.

I feel like I was skinny and tiny! I really liked how I looked like. (2015 summer)

The reason why I am writing about it is because I have always had problems with how I look. I have always thought that I am chubby and I didn't like it at all. Then I got (almost) skinny and I actually liked how I looked like. And that was because I had disease that was killing me.

 
So this year when I came back from England, I wasn't feeling good about myself so I decided to eat more healthy. ( I was eating crap in England, lets be honest) I was trying to cut my carbs (also good for my blood sugar, right?) I didn't see any changes in my body, not a single one. I mean I didn't check right after I ate a salad, I actually waited longer, but still nothing.

I visited my doctor about few weeks ago and told her about my problem. She "encouraged" me saying that "yeah yeah, I am sorry but it is harder for diabetics to lose weight" WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! I have had weight problems for 21 years and you are telling me that it is even more difficult for me now?! Excuse me?

So for the past few weeks I have been super unhappy with myself (also, for the past 21 years, except that 2 month when I was happy but sick). I was just thinking that it can't be that hard. So I googled "type 1 losing weight" and I found so many different forums where people have the same problem as I do. They are T1 and it is hard for them too. So I guess, it really is harder for us than for others. I kind of understood that insulin makes people fatter. I mean people who inject it. That's why it is also easier to lose weight for T2 diabetics because they don't inject.

What I wanted to say is that I am so tired of it. I remember an article about a lady who was diagnosed but didn't take it seriously and she died young. Just because she didn't want to gain weight.
No worries, I am NOT going to stop taking my medicine. I am just tired but I don't have other choice but to keep going. But it makes me so so sad that I can't accept the way that I look.